Something great happened to me.

I got really ridiculously sick!

I mean so sick that all kinds of things were coming out of all kinds of parts of my body! Yuck sorry TMI!

I think I have food poisoning. I have been suffering for days. I cant eat, I cant drink, I cant even chew gum.

BUT…

Today I walked past a long length mirror and I said, “WOW! That chick looks hot!”

Days of not eating and vomiting, I lost a few pounds. My stomach is toner, my arms don’t flap in the wind as much, and even my cute little chubby cheeks are a little less fleshier. WINK! Chick looks really hot!

And I was thinking. I understand it now. I understand how some girls will decide to not eat for a few days to look better. This was a bad circumstance for me. I was in so much pain vomiting so much that after a while I didn’t even miss eating food anymore. I know that the immediate effects are amazing, everything tells you to never eat again; it’s not worth it to gain the weight back.

Kate Moss said it best “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. Well I respectfully say, that is BS. Ms. Moss obviously has never had a great slice of New York City pizza.

Today I walked pass my favorite lunch place and I had a foodgasm; the daily special was sausage and peppers pizza. Even though the smell didn’t make my stomach cramp, I was too scared to go in. When I reached the end of the block, a tear had fully made its way down my “skinny hot chick” cheeks, and I could no longer contain myself, I ran back and got a slice. I walked out smiling. Of course, I paid for it, I paid for it in 3 difference positions with my toilet 2 hrs later. SIGH.

My point is, yes, there are things that taste better than skinny feels. I am a curvy girl so people think that I shovel all kinds of food into my mouth. That’s not true, I’m a quality over quantity kind of person. I want my life to taste great.

Have you ever seen the movie Ratatouille? You know the part where he is trying to explain food to his brother, and he says the food makes music to him. YES, you huge disgusting cartoon rat, the food makes music to me! And not just to me. I have successfully converted a few hundred pound cheerleaders in my dorm. They never say no to me.

They cant resist me.

When I wear my tight little apron and bend over……….

to get something out of the bottom shelf of the oven, they get so excited. And forget about milkshakes, my curry meatballs bring all the boys to the yard!

I know that the immediate effects are amazing, everything tells you to never eat again. You start to look better, things fit better, you smile wider, but its not worth it. To me its not worth it. My name is The Aimed Wanderer and I am a proud Foodie. Now if you will excuse me, my pizza would like to make another appearance.

SIGH!

Being a virgin is hard. I now understand why people are so shocked when I tell them that I am in my early twenties and I have never had sex. It is hard!

I always assumed that if you have never had sex, you don’t know what you are missing so you don’t really want it. SOOOOO WRONG!

First there’s the evil that is mother nature. Mother nature makes girls outrageously horny during the time of the month when guys actually don’t want to stick their penis in you. And to make it worse, some women crave sexy foods like chocolate, which further enhances the horniness. EVIL!!

EVIL!

And then if that is not bad enough, you are even hornier after that time of the month, and boys actually want to rock the bed with you then!

I think they smell it! They smell the hormones raging in you and they know if they push the right button or brush past the right nipple, all self control goes out the window! EVIL!

I only say this because today, I too was tempted! The virgin was tempted! One of my super hot class group mates keeps flirting with me. And when I say hot, I mean hot like, I can’t sit next to him because my fingers try to reach up and get into his mouth. So hot, I don’t even do the normal girl of fantasizing about a relationship with him; I fantasize about everyone in the classroom suddenly leaving and him bending me over the desk, and having his way with me, the entire time I am yelling “I am such a naughty girl, I am such a naughty girl!”. When he laughs, and flashes those pearly whites, I don’t even think about the class room emptying, I just want to slip out of my chair, onto the ground, and put my head in his lap!

He smelled it on me!

When I am getting over the feeling, he does something like try to hug me or say something funny and sweet to me and then my fingers start its trip to his delicious cherry lips again.

(Dear god I hope my mother doesn’t read this, I am ashamed!)

The point is being a virgin is hard. Its like walking through the desert for 2 decades and then suddenly finding a huge plate of those Mexican beans; you want to eat it because you are hungry and want real food but you know those beans are going to clean your colon dry in a few hours! OK OK very bad analogy, but I’m a horny virgin so my brain is not working. Off to the cold shower…

You are suppose to be happy. When you spent so much time and energy searching for a job and the new year starts with you having two amazing job offers, you should be excited, happy, relieved. All positive words. You should have a positive feeling.

What you should not be doing is having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. You shouldn’t force yourself to laugh when you heard something funny. You shouldn’t feel tired all the time. You shouldn’t find the idea of leaving the house exhausting and end up spending half an hour staring at the wall wondering if you should change your mind. You shouldn’t find calling you friends a pointless activity and avoid it at any cost. You…no I shouldn’t be like this.

So I was thinking maybe I’m depressed.

I heard someone say it to me a few years ago. A really big someone actually. It was a psychiatrist and he spent hours talking to me before asking me if I thought I was depressed.

I, of course said no, I am not depressed. When life shits all over you, you have to take time to recover. You don’t bounce back right away. I was depressed because life made me depressed. I did not have depression. I had a right to be sad; I didn’t sleep because I worried, I cried because I was hurt, I hated because I had no one to love, I shook with stress because I couldn’t control all the things I wanted to be controlled. I did not have depression.

Xanga, I have depression. I have things finally going right for me but I cant feel the emotion. I cant smile easily, my mind tells me something is funny but my face doesn’t smile or laugh. I force a laugh that sounds dry and well… forced. Even when I write something funny, my brain says its sarcasm and does even mildly make me amused.

I spent last night tossing and turning. I could not sleep. I would fall into this small sleep that lasted like 20 minutes and would wake up feeling like I had a night mare. Sometimes it is an actual nightmare. Like last night I dreamt that I was lying in my bed exactly the way I was in real life and a ghost came and tried to carry me away and I was shouting for my mother to come and save me. This is the worst of it. On good nights, I have to fall asleep with the tv on and exactly 4 hours later, I wake up and gently, find another position and desperately try to fall asleep again. My alarm goes off and then I get up. And most days I don’t even feel sleepy, tired, but not sleepy. Some days I do and I start to fall asleep but never quite get there.

So what I’m saying. I am depressed. I have two job offers, I am healthy, I am not currently engaged in an argument with anyone, my finances are well, and…I don’t know.

And I guess, I’m also scared…